Monday

WHAT KAMBA MEN DON'T DO


I am half Kamba. Being one and also having a Kikuyu half enables me to subjectively analyze each half with the benefit of proximity…i.e. my Kikuyu half has been watching the Kamba half in action since I first knew about the birds and the bees. I can thus speak authoritatively on Kamba males.
Yes!!! to all you girls asking. It is a fact! It is not a rumour that Kambas are renowned lovers (ask any female and she will be blushing when she remembers Mutiso or Kimeli from back in the day)


The art of loving is passed from generation to generation but only through the Kamba female. The Kamba male is blessed with the trait of understanding and as such is a quick learner. In addition Kamba males are not afraid to discuss their sexual feelings with their partners. Making love for Kambas is both physical and audio (I will develop this later in part 7 of this series). :) If any of you have ever had Kamba neighbors and thin walls, you will attest to this- during the act there is conversation- the man is always asking; the woman directing, the man questioning; the woman answering,interspersed with sounds of pleasure , moans compliments etc.. Making love is an interactive activity. In order for us to understand the Kamba psyche we should first look at what others do and compare it to Kaos. Let us take Kikuyus (as I am half ) in a rural setting for simplicity- If any Kikuyu male is feeling like I am ‘hating’… I suggest you stop reading right now!!

****Please note that Kinuthia, Wangu, Mutiso and Mweni(These Kaos will feature from part 5 of this series) are fictional characters and any similarity in name or persona to fellow bloggers is not intentional.

Phase 1. Solicitation

Mwangi meets Wangu and after a brief exchange of niceties he begins to solicit for some: the conversation goes something like this: ( DT in italics stands for Direct Translation)
Mwangi: nduraga guhoyaga naduri wa he… umuthe numuhaka uhe!!
DT: I have always been begging you and you have never given me. Today you must give me.
Wangu: Kari umuhaka guhe? Ndakuirire weterere nginya Dethemba!
DT: Is it a must I give you? I told you to wait for December!
Please note that Mwangi is forceful and demanding while Wangu attempts to ridicule him and gives him a date very distant in the future. This is an important kikuyu trait. Observers have noted that if Wangu was treated half decently she could be very different. At this time she is merely responding to Mwangis crude overtures in the language that he understands.

A few months later Wangu gives in to Mwangi’s advances and the conversation goes like this:

Mwangi: Ma ya Ngai umuthe Wangu ndirakurekera Niikuhe kana Ndurahe!
DT : As God is my witness today Wangu I will not let it pass! Are you giving me or not?
Wangu: Haya.. tucemanie haria Mugumoini tha imwe huaini. Ndikwenda tuunu nimudu.
DT : Okay.. lets meet at the Mugumo tree at seven. I don't want anyone to see us.

Wednesday- Kikuyu foreplay

16 comments:

mshairi said...

Highly entertaining analysis:) We used to have Kamba neighbours way back and I have heard 'that' conversation many a times:)

Does Wangu eventually give in to Mwangi who is crude, rude and quite obnoxious? I sincerely hope not!

kipepeo said...

oh, this is even better than desparate houswives blue! I'm loving it! cant wait to read the next bit!!!ooooohh im so excited!!

Blue Poet said...

Okay okay!!!! Everyone has been asking whether they can call me 'Blue Poet'! This is my answer( a press release has been sent to all media houses at 0800hrs this morning):

The poet formerly known as Kenyan Kukekamba has decided, as a result of pressure armtwistting and all other manners of coersion to accept the title 'Blue Poet'.He will however refuse to acknowledge names like 'Blue Kukekamba','Blue Kamba' or 'Bluey'. The short form of 'Blue' is acceptable.

Guessaurus said...

Laughing hard at "Bluey" - Q1. Can we think it though? :)

Q2. Can we have like five parts in one day? I am already camping here (If you hadnt noticed already, Blue..)

Milonare said...

LMAO

Please tell me. Is it the time (seven) ama the tree (mugumo) that will prevent others from seeing them? Ama a combination of both?

Ati wait for December - hehehehe!!

Wangari said...

my word!!

kai Wangu nikuona uhoro... waiting with bated breath for part 2 to see kana Wangu will end up with mahuti in her hair!!

hehehehe

Msanii_XL said...

@ mr 'mbrue' eish...this is hilarious

Farmgal said...

Am I allowed to laugh out loud!
hihihihi this reminds me of this one time I went to my nan's and this jamaa was trying it on me. went like this (direct translation) ...Lets go to my cubical/thigira and do what people do when they are in love...I wish I'd slapped that kijana.

akiey said...

Hey Blue, you win with this hilarious post...& to think that it's just one in a series? You're assured of a huge following. I'll be following since I belong to neither ethnic group mentioned here:
-This series you're developing is like the surprise artistry R.Kelly has launched in his 5 installment "Trapped in The Closet" video series (u get it free if you buy his latest CD). He's definitely raised the bar.
Plz take this as a compliment to your artistic talent.

Medusa said...

Weterere nginya Detheba- roflmbao!!

..This here is terrorism- you can't go around dropping bombs like those...you have made my day!lol..

Luna said...

hahhahaha...as in hilariuss!officially one of the funniest things ive read in the KBW!

Prousette said...

O....k!
Since I was one of these that sked will be waiting with bated breath; fortunately am not covered by your analysis.
AND I have had kao neighbors in some not so sound proof quarters

gishungwa said...

what if dethemba is too far for mwangi?

Poi said...

Hhahaaa, am all laughing u r too funny kao-bratha!

Hilarious, waiting for the next part...harakisha..lol

totosoft said...

OMG!! LOLIPD! this is 'ngret'! thak goodness (or the other extreme?) for 'Mbwana Mbrue'!
Eish!! be right back, some 'sphincter's ready to implode!
you good man, you good!

Unknown said...

Aha. Aha. Part 2?