HOW

Do you ask yourself how the Sun shines so warm?
Or how flowers swaying in the wind are so bright
How clouds paint pictures without a brush
And rivers and trees make music that is so right

Do you ask yourself how mountains are so high?
Or that scenery is so breathtaking just before night
How bird’s fly and eagles soar with so little effort
And rivers and trees make music that is so right

Do you ask yourself how the sea and sky are so blue?
Or sand on the beach so fine; how fish swim in schools so tight
How waves rise and fall everyday without end
And rivers and trees make music that is so right

Do you ask yourself how the forest is so green?
Or how rain sometimes falls so soft from such height
How moonshine brings feelings of love and romance
And rivers and trees make music that is so right

Do you ask yourself how fruits are so sweet?
Or how snowflakes are perfectly formed and so white
How dreams we dream at times fill us with such joy
And rivers and trees make music that is so right.
Do you?


By now the majority of you have discovered the truth. I have a personality disorder. In me live two very distinctly different human beings. My Kikuyu half is Dr Jekyll and the other half Mr. Hyde. Dr Jekyll is usually in control of this person called Kenyan Kukekamba and as you have surely noticed he is polite, well schooled, well mannered, sensitive to his friends, relatives and even people he has just met.

On the other hand the Mkamba is a loud, abrasive, full of himself, sexually minded flattering Kikuyu basher who thinks with the brain in his small head- (yes… the one between his legs) He is not a bad person but he views life through X-rated spectacles and this at times is quite perturbing.

The Blue poet has gone into hiding not because of Nick or Msanii_xl and other silent members of the mob, but because Dr Jekyll has willed him away.

You are probably asking yourself “what brings out this wicked man from the otherwise tempered Kukekamba?” The truth is that this currently horrible cold weather and a couple of double Famous Grouse usually do the trick. When situations get out of hand, as they have over the last couple of weeks- the drink (when one must be had) of choice becomes Tusker Malt Lager and a more direct route from the office to the house. During these sober moments the Kikuyu in me is at peace with the world and is most creative.



OPINION POLL

Should the Blue Poet be allowed to rear his head in Blogworld or remain banished?

Blue Poet in Hiding

Location: Somewhere in the Timbaroa Forest

Date: Wednesday August 3, 2005

Time: 0300Hrs

Temperature: 8 degrees Celsius and dropping

Dear Ladies,

The events of the last few days have forced me to flee the comforts of my Thika office and as a result I am now holed up in a friends cabin in Timbaroa. As you can imagine the weather is extremely cold and I am having difficulty in typing out this message from the small keys of my laptop.

I would like to apologize for being unable to post the second part of my series, which I am sure you were all eagerly waiting for. When I explain the circumstances that have led to this I am sure you will agree with me that my decision hold off for while, is the best course of action.

A good and dear Kikuyu friend, who for his own safety I shall not name, managed to record a conversation between several high profile bloggers engaged in plotting my elimination. Yesterday’s piece- I shall not be deterred – touched many raw nerves in my half community. I have listened to the tape over and over again trying to narrow down the identity of these people but save for one I am at loss as to the identity of the other three voices. I am sending a copy of the tape to each of you by mail- please help if you can.
I have made a transcript of the areas that scared me the most. It is my sincere hope that should they succeed in eliminating me that you will all know that I was speaking the truth. I am personally convinced that you ladies deserve men that are sensitive to you feelings and know how to turn you. You need men who are able to take you to new sexual heights, men who are not scared to excite you and take you to the limit. That ladies, is my dream. A dream I was ready to fight for. But now looks like I may have to die for or be forever banished in this forest.

In the background Mike Ruas song is playing :‘Kahora maurimu… niukite muno….
DL: Come slowly teacher.. you have come too much.

Voice# 1: Andu aitu, ninyitiri thimu kuma Mureithi na ajira nimarahotire kuaria na ‘the Njako’. Areda dorra mirioni ithano atuninire kamuikaba karia.

DL: My people, I got a call from Mureithi and he tells me they managed to get hold of ‘The Jackal’. He wants 5 million dollars to finish the Mkamba.

Voice#2: Very good. Kamudu kau nuhindi karabiririe kubrogg natarora airetu othe matiraima haria karii!! Ndiratarire ndirona ena airitu 7 regura… ni uru muno.. nitukabatwi.

DL: Very good. This has just started blogging and the girls are not leaving his spot. I counted 7 regular.. its very bad.. lets kill him.

Voice#3(Nick?): Nii nidiraririe na adu a censorchip na diramareha! Murata witu Ngunjiri niegusend a kavirus siteini yake. Twe hamwe uhoro wa njako… nitwiki kaharambee.

DL: Nicks Voice? : Me I spoke to the censorship people and I Paid them! Our friend Ngunjiri will send a virus to his spot. I am with you about the Jackal… lets hold a harambee .

Voice#4:Nitunine kabru kao!!!

DL: Lets finish this Blue?

As you can see ladies I am threatened. There is a way that you can each help me. Please share you experiences on Kikuyu men and Kamba men. This should let some pressure off me and show these merciless kyuks that I speak only the truth.

Yours truly,

Blue.

I Shall not be Detered!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS

Kikuyu guys all over the world have started a campaign to silence, ban and boycott reading or commenting on the slanted, immature derogatory and fictitious stories that are appearing on KBW. They have vowed to protect their dignity from the unwarranted attacks of the madman formerly known as the ‘Kenyan kukekamba’. Three meetings were held simultaneously in London, Dallas Fort-Worth and at Njuguna’s on Waiyaki Way Nairobi to map out ways of dealing with this serious threat. Sources at the Nairobi meeting indicate that the meeting was unanimous about the need to urgently address the situation. At the conclusion of the frantic calls between London, DFW and Nairobi several resolutions were passed.

A. Inform the Mount Kenya Mob and obtain contacts of a hit man.
B. Seek assistance of the UK Home Office to have the Blue Poets Visa to the UK revoked.
C. Convince the FBI that the Blue Poet is a known associate to terrorist groups.
D. To give silent treatment to the Kikuyu ladies on KBW who are commenting and encouraging the Blue Poet.
E. To start their own Kamba bashing series.

The Nairobi meeting was jolted by the arrival of Njoroge Wadutu who runs the SpyGrass Dectetif Angesy. Mr. Wadutu produced these three drafts of the Blue Poets post which is due for posting on Wednesday the 3rd August 2005.

1. *****Kinuthia pushed Wangu against the Mugumo tree and put his hands up her blouse. His hard hands squeezed her breasts as one does when checking the pressure on a bicycle tire. His thumb and forefinger moved to her nipple roughly tweaking it……….

Nituthii cube yakua uhe- muthee na maitu niimathiiri mahoya
DT: Lets go to my cube you give me- mom and dad have gone for prayers.
(line courtesy of farmgal )

2. ****“ A Kikuyus idea of a date with his girl is taking her for an afternoon of Nyama Choma and an evening of Mugithi at Rim Club and listening to Mike Rua of the ‘One Man Guitar’ fame.

3. *****Umekura Nyama shoma ikiwa na firi firi, umekunywa leds, Hatiri kuariria ….Shuma lazima irare Ndani!
DT: You have eaten Nyama Choma with chilly, you have drunk reds, there’s no discussion the chuma must sleep inside!

The sources also overheard the following statement:

"Kamuikaba gaka karatuthukiiria riitua numuhaka to deal naku"
DL "This Kamukamba spoiling our name must be dealt with".

WHAT KAMBA MEN DON'T DO

I am half Kamba. Being one and also having a Kikuyu half enables me to subjectively analyze each half with the benefit of proximity…i.e. my Kikuyu half has been watching the Kamba half in action since I first knew about the birds and the bees. I can thus speak authoritatively on Kamba males.
Yes!!! to all you girls asking. It is a fact! It is not a rumour that Kambas are renowned lovers (ask any female and she will be blushing when she remembers Mutiso or Kimeli from back in the day)


The art of loving is passed from generation to generation but only through the Kamba female. The Kamba male is blessed with the trait of understanding and as such is a quick learner. In addition Kamba males are not afraid to discuss their sexual feelings with their partners. Making love for Kambas is both physical and audio (I will develop this later in part 7 of this series). :) If any of you have ever had Kamba neighbors and thin walls, you will attest to this- during the act there is conversation- the man is always asking; the woman directing, the man questioning; the woman answering,interspersed with sounds of pleasure , moans compliments etc.. Making love is an interactive activity. In order for us to understand the Kamba psyche we should first look at what others do and compare it to Kaos. Let us take Kikuyus (as I am half ) in a rural setting for simplicity- If any Kikuyu male is feeling like I am ‘hating’… I suggest you stop reading right now!!

****Please note that Kinuthia, Wangu, Mutiso and Mweni(These Kaos will feature from part 5 of this series) are fictional characters and any similarity in name or persona to fellow bloggers is not intentional.

Phase 1. Solicitation

Mwangi meets Wangu and after a brief exchange of niceties he begins to solicit for some: the conversation goes something like this: ( DT in italics stands for Direct Translation)
Mwangi: nduraga guhoyaga naduri wa he… umuthe numuhaka uhe!!
DT: I have always been begging you and you have never given me. Today you must give me.
Wangu: Kari umuhaka guhe? Ndakuirire weterere nginya Dethemba!
DT: Is it a must I give you? I told you to wait for December!
Please note that Mwangi is forceful and demanding while Wangu attempts to ridicule him and gives him a date very distant in the future. This is an important kikuyu trait. Observers have noted that if Wangu was treated half decently she could be very different. At this time she is merely responding to Mwangis crude overtures in the language that he understands.

A few months later Wangu gives in to Mwangi’s advances and the conversation goes like this:

Mwangi: Ma ya Ngai umuthe Wangu ndirakurekera Niikuhe kana Ndurahe!
DT : As God is my witness today Wangu I will not let it pass! Are you giving me or not?
Wangu: Haya.. tucemanie haria Mugumoini tha imwe huaini. Ndikwenda tuunu nimudu.
DT : Okay.. lets meet at the Mugumo tree at seven. I don't want anyone to see us.

Wednesday- Kikuyu foreplay