Monday

NYAKUNDI




The Nyakundis are close in proximity to the lakeside Omondis but they are worlds apart. It has been said that they’re closest in behaviour to Merus than to any other Kenyan tribe. They can be violent stubborn and very difficult to convince but they are generally good-natured bunch.

Most parts of Kisii have rolling hills and the average farm size in there is ¼ of an acre. On this patch of land Nyakundi has divided his portion to accommodate the following: a few bananas, some tea bushes, and some ‘cash crop’ (weed). This ‘cash crop’ is exported to Nairobi and Kisumu and then to other parts of the Nation. They were the first to raise the potency of their ‘cash crop’ by soaking it first in Changáa then drying it before smoking it. If you have ever been on the Nairobi-Kericho road and are overtaken by a Keroka Express bus with a name like ‘Buffalo Soldier’ being driven at 176 km/hr- you know the driver is definitely rocking to ‘Bob Maroa and the Wailers.’

Nyakundis love their nighttime activity and I am well informed by members of this said community that the ‘cash crop’ makes them very horny. A true Nyakundi may only have one wife but he will have a number of mistresses. It is also common knowledge that Nyakundi men are well endowed in the area between the stomach and thighs. Rumour has it that the use of the ‘cash crop’ is not limited to the men-the women too enjoy the effects. Hence there is an explosion of little Moraas and Nyakundis in the villages. Kisii are many and they know it- during the last elections their political guru- Hon. Simeon Nyachae headed a party called Ford People with clarion call of: “ Watu… Watu wengi… Watu wengi sana!!!” Walking through the streets of Kisii town on any day as like walking in downtown Nairobi during rush hour. The population density is among the highest in Kenya.

Nyakundi is a hard worker- as long as you don’t mind the acrid aroma of ‘cash crop’ coming from the shamba and you are prepared to provide double portions for lunch- he can plough a couple of acres single handed at almost the same speed as a tractor.He is more than worth his pay. Nyakundis working in central province cannot understand how Kikuyus have Githeri for lunch as this is what they have for breakfast washed down with a couple of mugs of brown millet porridge.

Kenyan blue-collar employers are a bit wary when employing Nyakundis- they are well versed in the art of forgery and certificates are carefully scrutinised. One ‘A” level certificate or BA degree could be held by at least four people. Only recently the whole compliment of Kisii members of parliament was up in arms about the ‘wrong’ portrayal of their tribesmen as cheats in the local high school examinations. Three schools in Kisii had their results cancelled due to cheating.

Favourite drink: Not particular but would rather smoke a certain plant.
Favourite Songs- Sweety Banana- Nyambane
Food: Bananas & more bananas-but once the munchies hit anything is good.
Notable Kisiis: Nyambane, Didge and Tichi Nyasani
Characteristics: Hard-headed; fighting spirit; Kisiis love to hang around each other.

Most common Joke:
All sixth form results at St Barnabas High School,Nyamira were cancelled because the Kenya National Examination Council wondered how all four streams could have the same wrong answers in the English and Maths.
The headmaster and PTA annoyed by these allegations confronted the KNEC and explained that since the same teacher taught all the children then all the right answers and all the wrong answers should be the same.

Next… Luyhas…Warias…Embians…Kalenjins…Amerucans(Merus)…and Kyuks in that order.

14 comments:

Nakeel said...

Blue Bro u got to get the spam blocker...
Can see am the first one here..
Lemmi do it...

Nakeel said...

Hilarious Blue
You gat me down the Bob Maroa part and the Watu wengi... wuuiiiii
But you forgot how the Nyak's view a women as useless and a kitchen person only...
Reminds me of a joke at work they say ...
"Ji mwanamke linavaria kirong'i na anajitai nakuja niona..."

This is soo nice cant wait to hear my brothers Luhje's

Guessaurus said...

Blue - as usual - thoroughly hilarious - LOL at "since the same teacher..." hopefully that was said with a straight face :)

Cannot not wait to read the others...

Milonare said...

LOLOL

I can imagine a number of said poeple uttering ach ach ach at this...

Very very nice!!

Ati between the stomach and thighs... hahahaha. Echo Guess on same teacher LMAO...

For spammers, use word verification in your settings for comments...

gishungwa said...

he he he you just had to do it! cracjk me up all again huh! the nyachae watu wengi wengi san was a killer like. Keep it coming.
bravo

UARIDI said...

Do you think you might have to go in hiding again soon?

Had an experience I wish I had not - taking a matatu from Kisii to Nakuru. I think we beat low flying vehicles on that day.

kipepeo said...

i love the preciseness...176 km/hr..lest you thought it was an even 150!!or worse still 170!! bob maroa!!! u have killed me!! great post!!

nick said...

At your age-you really do crack me up!
LOL at nyakundi's being totally frustrated ati githeri for lunch!! i will admit there accents are really cute though!

Mshairi said...

Hmmm, even your arch enemy is here to praise you:)

Great series Blue.

P.s. I thought it was the Meru people who indulge in the weed...

Prousette said...

Gaaki!! Obe, obe,
I love these people for their intonation at the end of sentences. The only ones I know who can have a conversation with BOTH people talking at the same time and understand each other perfectly.

Nice blue...as always

akiey said...

Blue, I risk laughing my teeth out reading your posts! Our Nyakundi brethrens & sitren are at times great fun to be around coz of their unusual sense of humour. At times I found what they said to be so funny I'd be laughing til my ribs hurt only to find the one talking look at me like 'what was so funny there?',lol!
-Went clubbing with some of them & yes, both guys & girls can down that alcohol & still dance like there's no tomorrow.

Blue Poet said...

Kisiis are great people y'all- they are funny and their intonation makes conversations with them entertaining. I wish I could capture their intonation in words but thats not possible. Thanx all for stopping by!
Next week we go to Western Kenya- home of the chicken loving Luhyas!

Blue

Irena said...

:-) I do not know many Nyakundis lakini thanks for the descriptive narrative ..now I know what I didn't. I'm waiting for Kuyks description ,I'm sure that will be two blogs in the making:-)

Wambui said...

Cannot wait for future installments! still laughing!