Tuesday

OMONDI

"That my BMW"

If you don’t have a friend from the “Lakeside” you are missing out on a serious part of what makes Kenya Kenya!
The Omondis of Kenya are the most versatile of our tribes. They pride themselves in being the hardest working and most learned in Kenya. They can be found in large numbers in all social groupings. From the manual labourers in the quarries of Njiru, to university halls the world over; Omondis are found everywhere. My good friend Perminas Valentine Mak’Odhiambo tells me Luos go to school to become learned while the rest of us simply receive an education.

Issues of class and social position are very important amongst the Omondis- they will rarely cross barriers. The common questions to ascertain where one belongs are: “where did you go to school or who was your teacher and who are classmates now.” For illustration purposes I will use Okelloh a middle class 'jaduong' living in Nairobi. Any reference to his possesions must be preceeded with "That my" or That "his". Possesion is everything.

Saturday afternoon Washington Okello will drive "his" sleek BMW 520i convertible out of his parking slot at the Hilton (he never parks anywhere else) and pass through the drycleaners at the Hotel Intercontinental to drop off laundry as well as collect the next weeks suits. He will then drive to Buru Buru to change into his weekend wear-neatly pressed cotton pants and an expensive silk shirt and a suede jacket to match his Italian suede shoes (pronounced sous- the ‘h’ is silent). He adds the final touches- a splash of very expensive cologne and a heavy gold chain and bracelet. Okello looks round his house and smiles at what he sees. A sparsely yet expensively furnished sitting room (he prefers to call it lounge) seats from Macrays(where the expatriates and people who have taste and money buy furniture) had set him back a clean 250,000/= and the Large screen Sony television with a matching Sony home theatre System another 350,000/=.
Okello calls out to his Domestic technologist( houseboy): “Einstein, Did I not ask you to make sua you don’t touch "that my" music systeeem? I am sua because last night Akinyi and I were listening to Nacion FM- now I see it is on Ramogi! Let me warn you Odouri , next time I will send you straight to Siaya. Do you understand?”
Okello gets into "his" BMW takes his lap of honour around the estate smiling at all the nice Nyakos (young ladies) along the way. He slows down as he sees Akinyi flagging him down at the bus stop. “ Hhe , Yawa why are you not answering my calls today?” she asks as she slides into the brown leather interior of "his" BMW.
“Which line were you calling me on my sosio(social) line or my oficio(official) one?” He then proceeds to explain that his official line is never answered after 1200 hrs GMT.
First stop is the bar between Jeans and Johns in Nairobi West to meet The MD of a certain company, the financial Director or Group Editor of a local daily. They will entertain themselves here then move to Impala Hotel in parklands to listen to Lingala or to the Bridge on Jogoo road for some Benga.

I will say this: If any of our tribes know how to live life to its fullest- flashiest cars most expensive clothes, partake in the best drinks- Omondis take the cake. In my next life I want to be born an Omondi.


Favourite drink: Anything but beer- preferably Chivas or Remy for the middle and upper class- other spirits are referred to as industrial alcohol.

Favourite Songs- “I am not sober”- (This is an actual song and one of the verses talks about having Guiness for power with Michael Powers- an excellent song)

Food: Kuon(ugali) and Samak (ngege)

Notable Luos: too many to name on this page

Characteristics: Flamboyant, big spenders, High rollers, well educated

Lhuo Joke:

Patrick a recently promoted Kikuyu went to have a drink with a friend who had just completed his PHD. Upon sitting down the two gentlemen he didn’t know began introducing themselves:

Man#1: “I am Professor James Oburo Mak’Onyango, lecturer at Nairobi University. I was schooled in the U.K and America among other places. Some of my classmates are Professors John Montiago Odhiambo, Senior Vice President ADB and Dr. Innocent Uche of the United Nations. Nice to meet you.”

Man#2: “My name is Dr. Evanson Ouko Ochieng. I spesiolize (specialise) in the treatment of Cardio-Vascular diseases. I went to school with Dr Gikonyo Dr Ambrose Rotich and Proffesor Nyasani. I currently live in Muthaiga. And who are you young man?”

Patrick: “My name is Captain Kamau sir, pleasure to meet you.”

Man#1: Ahhhh.. Captain – very nice… Which Airline BA, Air France, KLM? Those are the ones I fly with.

Patrick: “Actually sir, I am a Captain in the Kenya Army.”

Man#2 (almost choking on his Chivas): Kenya Army? What happonned (happened)- was there a problem with school fisss(fees)?



Taking votes on the next tribe to feature here

21 comments:

wanduma said...

Crazy..Silent 'h'! I say go to Embu next. No one ever picks on them, and how many are there anyway?

Prousette said...

I liiike!!!!being one of them is a total party when in company.
Can we do the Kisii's next. They are neighbors you forgot to add the use of XXXL words when just making a simple statement and the classic joke of the jacuzzi breaking of the ankle think you have come across it.

Milonare said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Milonare said...

LOLOL

Ati now I see it is on Ramogi! and was there a problem with school fisss.

Nice, nice, nice Blue!!

This here your post was very funny!!!

BTW Deleted prior one with wrong Avatar... Sorry

spicebear said...

yup, embu's should be next, i would love to hear your take on them. and we do exist contrary to popular belief. great post!

Nakeel said...

Thats Blue....

The ofisio and private line wuuuuii..
Lets go to Luhya land...

nick said...

at the rate you goin u better publish this or make it into a comedy series!!
u sure have hit the mail on the head with this over confident, superiority complex,ego maniacs!LOL

Guessaurus said...

Ha ha - seriously loved this Blue - especially the bit about that song "I am not sober" - my friend wouldnt stop singing it in a Jang'o accent which is made it even more funny.

Who do we get next? I previously asked for Kyuks but go a no *sniff* so I will let the others decide.

You made my morning!

kipepeo said...

oh great great post...im loving it loving it loving it!! lmao at problems with school "fiss"...i agree...lets do embu...nobody ever talks bout them!!

Medusa said...

ROFLMBAO!! You're sooo silly..this was such a fun read..man. I wonder what that my friend would say about this..
JVC- 'jaluo very complicated'
Love those my people though..

Wambui said...

yani i echo the publishing! LOL! Considering the Kuks have been given pride position of leaving the best for last ;-) I go with the Embu...they are too silent and apparently exist....hee hee!

Loving the kung fu look Milonare...

gishungwa said...

now the part of the pub between johns and jeans i can relate those are my locals.
the am not sober jaluo anthem.
the post was totally hilarious damn you are good.

Blue Poet said...

@All- Making you all laugh is making me laugh!!! Thanx for the comments. Looks like the nondescript Embians are winning so far. WOrking on them! Keep it here.


Blue

UARIDI said...

Ta for Omondi from the UK, United Kisumu.

Can't wait to read the next people.

Blue Poet said...

@ALL- Pole- in the true kenyan fashion- voting has been rigged! Kisiis have come out fighting and my next post will be on Nyakundi snd his tribesmen.
Truth be told- i found Embians a little difficult- they are too serious and they 'melt' into the neighbouring communities that I have already done- the Merus,Kyuks and Kaos. But rest assured I have done the Embians justice- they will be unhappy with me.

Keep it here all.

Blue.

Mshairi said...

Once you do the Kisii, please do an expose on the Embu (other people are asking too). I am sure it will be hilarious just as this one and the Kamba one.

Missing your poetry though...

viki said...

Blue very nice post. I agree with nick. Publish this tribal stories into a comedy series. I'll be the first to buy it. It'll be a keeper.
viki(VI)

Milonare said...

Blue

Don't sahau the wariahs!!!

Luna said...

another classic,! the song part was too much! id buy this as a book too..
cant wait for Kisiis..

Ngugi said...

I will be the first to add a serious comment...though I know this is suppose to be satirical, the fact is Jaluo who believe themselves to be superior because of their title or education are just as inferior as Agikuyu who believe themselves to be superior because of their money...the fact is both of them are mere syncophants of the Anglo-American and his definitions of identity...I dare some petty small people to attempt to assert their foreign acquired pretension onto me...I will remind them of their shallow and empty achievements...while they produce nothing...create nothing...control nothing...are respected by no one except the poor servants they put down or the wives they beat or the secretary they sleep with or the children whose love the buy with their money.

kuwa serious guys...we Kenyans are small timers...actings out another mans civlizations...contrary to popular opinion being learned as opposed to be educated is not driving a BMW wearing expensive cloth and drinking expensive spirits...gangster rappers in the states also do those same things.

We pretend to ape the image of a civilized man..when even the truly civilized man of the West we attempt to ape (the royal families of Europe, the tycoons of the West who dictate our lives...Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Bill Clinton, etc etc.), they themselves don't live like that.

It is only the shallow Westerner who is not respected by the elite, those like Donald Trump or Kanye West who define themselves by these petty material successes. This is not being learned. Being learned is to be driven to become an industrialist..to create things that save the lives of millions of people...to be a scholar...a philosopher...to transform your society and the poor who live in it...to be Ghandi...King..Luther...Christ......JFK..to be so educated..that you become rich by profiting off of things that help raise the standard of living of the humanity you live around and see everyday.

So, some may thing this is over the top, but I could care less...the truth shall set you free and the truth is that the so called learned and rich of Kenya Yetu are mere pretenders worthy of nothing but disrespect for being big in pride and accolades but small in humanity and creativity.

This is what distinguishes us Africans from the rest of the people in the world. The learned Chinaman or Indian or Turk, or German or French or British or Iranian...have a sense of indigenous culture and is in touch with the humanity of the common person in his or her society..they emulate the best in themselves as oppose to aspiring to the shallowness of petty elite of Anglo-American. But one day we will wake up from this mental disease.

Kamau

Jeff Smith said...

nice post love it
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