Would Kenya be Kenya without our tribes?
This next series should not be viewed as tribal but rather as posts that talk about tribes with a touch of humour. I personally do not subscribe to the school of thought that advances the theory that we must rid ourselves of tribal labels. This is because to me they are just that- labels- nothing more. Tribes are our identity- none superior to the other but needing each other. Have you not heard it said how Kenyans are warm, happy and fun people? I agree! I say let us acknowledge and appreciate our differences, be happy, laugh together and build a better country.

A tribe of happy people who come from the Eastern parts of Kenya. They have a musical language and are dancers by nature. They have been noted to be acrobatic and can dance to the simple beat of a drum and a whistle. They make excellent house help and passable cooks. A visit to the Parklands area- inhabited by the local Asian community will bear witness to this. Mutiso is that ever loyal gardener who has been in the family since Grudeep ( Pradeeps father) was born.

Kamba men are famed to be notoriously good lovers and their sexual appetite is said to be unmatched within the Kenyan communities. He calls the neighbours housemaid “ngelemende”- (sweet) and they can be heard giggling behind the bananas at night. ( Parents of girls who employ Mutisos are encouraged to take them to boarding school when they turn 14).
Mutiso is also found in the nations disciplined forces. He is known to be a trustworthy, handy, polite and unquestioning soldier/warden/policeman. This is because he made a name for himself as an efficient gun bearer for the settlers as they made their way into the interior of Kenya. In the days of the great World Wars Mutiso fought gallantly in Burma, Ethiopia and North Africa.
Although he can go for months before going to his rural home,he will diligently send monthly payments to Nduku and his 8 children. She visits the city once every 2 months and the sounds that filter from his quarters are to say the least pornographic. He is however a good saver and at Christmas each year he can afford to buy a plot in Masii or Masaku ( they are not expensive there- 20,000/= will buy you a half acre or a whole one in some places. Clad in a yellow suit, red shirt and brown tie; easily setting himself apart from other Kenyans;he arrives at Masaku Airport- near the famous Athusi Day and Night Club-to board a matatu home. When he arrives at the ‘kambi’ he is received with awe by his fellow classmates who are farmers and village idlers mostly high on Kuona Mbee(that Methane based brew). Children at the ‘kambi’ announce his arrival with shouts of; ‘ Mutiso uya mujeci niavika!!’ (Mutiso the soldier has arrived) or Mutiso wa musongo ena suti nzeo ya led!! ( Mutiso wa muzungu has a nice red suit!) He then borrows Muokis ‘Kisululu’ and pedals 6 kilometres down the Mua ‘ills’.

Favourite drink: Fanda Horange

Food: Muthokoi, Maluu (potatoes) and kofisi (cabbage)

Notable Kaos: Late Mulu Mutisya and Parliament Clown Kalembe Ndile

Characteristics: Loyalty,lovers, colour concious

Most common Joke:
Mutiso decides to buy a coloured TV after saving for a couple of years. He goes to a store and asks the attendant:
“Ndo u sell TVs?”
Attendant: “yes sir we do.”
Mutiso: “ah nthey in colour?”
Attendant: “Yes.”
Mutiso : “Can Hi ave a gleen one please?”

NEXT WEEK- From the Lakeside- OMONDI


kipepeo said...

kisululu!!! that just made my day!! great post!! I'm looking forward to hearing all the rest...oooh i'm soooo excited!!! ...did i mention i was first to comment!!! yyyaaaaaaayyy!!!

Guessaurus said...

Ah Blue - that was excellent. Like Kipepeo I cant wait to see what else is in store for us. Of course you started with your half side, we getting the other half (Kyuk) next?

Giggles all round and actually very well written (albeit with the everpresent humour that we know and love by now:) )

Medusa said...

Surely you jest..let's level this playing field atleast..If my kyuk brothers are poor lovers, then you cannot use Mutiso and Loyal in the same sentence/paragraph/book, unless to illustrate irony.. Case in point- every politician knows, you want to 'buy' votes,first stop..mutisoland.
..and I hope you meant color unconscious..
**running for cover**

Blue Poet said...

@Kipepeo- I love our word for bicycle!!!
@Guess- I am saving the Kyuks for last.Thanx.
@Medusa- my comments are purely intended to potray the lighter side of our people. However if you insist let us go there:
Kambas are extremely loyal employees and they will work year in and year out for the same establishment. I do not think I am wrong in this regard.
I have plenty to say on vote buying and voting patterns but this isnt the right forum.
Lastly sorry for the typo- I meant colour conscious.
hehehehh.... We Mutisos dont think we colour clash; we feel we understand colours and use them for maximum impact- you do notice us dont you?


Nakeel said...

Blue I understand that Kao's are loyal that when the boss decides to trim the employees he coz they have protested coz of salary he says give me half i will be ok...
But the Kisululu and the ride to the stiff mua Hills aaah the bomb....
Waiting for more...

gishungwa said...

the fanda horange, the mutiso wa usunge has come home. what ccan i say you had me laughing. Cant wait to see what you say about the kiraitu people.
blue forever

Prousette said...

lovely *clap*
lovely blue cannot wait for Omondi and his stuff. Now I hope no one will start a war because they have been mentioned unfavorably what a boring world it would be without a green TV lol!!
Yes Kambas are loyal employees I will vouch for this.

Milonare said...


I beleive that Kenya should use the unique tribes to unite and prosper rather than to divide and conquer. I even did a post on it some time back.

As for Kaos, those (you) guys are computer whizz-kids! Be it teaching MS Heg-nzeu (Excel) or surfing the Hindaned...

Nice post Blue!!!

Medusa said...

Blue- Your loyalty -dully noted. ;) we notice you??lol.Mutiso needs no reflectors on his blackie, not even on a pitch black starless night in Kangundo..Color conscious it is then..he he

Can't wait to read about'Omondi'- my adopted kassin(cousin)..

Wambui said...

What a great idea! LOL! Looking forward to other evaluations of our great and wonderful idiosyncrasies.... 'kisululu'- LOL!

nick said...

I can't wait for the other tribes...this was realy funny! of course u better not do kikuyu real soon!!!!

akiey said...

Eheh Blue, hilariously hilarious post, I need help to get off the floor! Eti 'ena suti nzeo ya led!!'At this rate you'll have me using curtains to wipe my tears off,lol!
Ok, got ur note about coming back quick so as not to miss the blogcoast wedding. Am here to stay & did they mention that if all is agreed upon I may have to walk our lovely Mshairi down the aisle, so be extra nice to me bro;))!

Uarida said...

Used to eagerly wait the Jamuhuru celebrations to see Mutiso's acrobatics.

BTW - you will need more than a blog proposal to ask the Poet to marry you.

Luna said...

this is too funny! brought back many shags visit memories!! Fanda Horange- hhahahhahahaha!!

Kenyan Idiot said...

Wewe, you are killing me over here. figure this out:
make a sentence using green, pink and yellow.
Mutiso: nthe telephone rung ngreeng ngreeng, and nthen i mpinked and saind yellow.

eeh eeh, you got Mutiso on this one.

Andrew said...

Does anyone know what the word mutiso or name Mutiso means in kAMBA language? I thought it meant "small lightning"

Please let me know thanks!

mutie said...