Hon. Dr. Muru Wangaru
The Grand Master (Nyeri Chapter)
Firstly may I extend my sympathies on your recent banning from traveling to the U.K. I hope your secret meeting with Robert from Zimbabwe went well. As you are well aware we shall always stick by you as our Member of Parliament and also Grand Master. I hope that the meeting was fruitful and a common approach to dealing with Tony Brair has been reached.
I am writing this letter to explain the circumstances that forced me to abandon the boxing match between The Blue Poet and myself. I do recall our meeting in Nyeri where you we partook in Muratina at the sacred Mugumo tree. I heeded your advice and bribed the radio and TV announcers. They did an excellent job and followed our script to the letter. I also planted the rumours about Papa Smurf talking about lice in Kipepeos hair and buying diapers from Farmgals new shop. This was not well taken and these beautiful young girls are still sitting on the fence but are leaning more towards supporting Papa Smurf. I have no idea what kamuti the mkamba has used- but it is effective.
It all started in the changing room. I had never seen Papa Smurf before and when I did I was speechless. His 6ft 2 inches solid frame made me at 5’1” feel like a midget. As I sized the man from his feet upwards I started getting that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. His legs were firm and toned and as he walked in (like in slow motion) I could see the thigh muscles tensing with each step. His stomach was not lined with muscle but he didn’t have a pot either. His body had all the hallmarks of one who worked out at least three times a week at a good gym. A far cry from the cement filled Kimbo tins I use in my back yard. His chest and arms were well filled and I couldn’t imagine why I had chosen to fight this man. I looked down at my crotch, my spider briefs looked they contained a couple of marbles and a stick of Wrigley’s gum. Pangs of jealousy ate into me as sneaked a look at his briefs.. Man the guy looked he did some weight training in that area too! His briefs were filled by what might just as well have been oranges and I could see the outline the size of a Ugandan plantain. Three beautiful Kamba girls were oiling his whole body and as he turned round I saw his firm buttocks… at this point I was both envious and scared. My trainers started giving me puzzling glances( they weren’t sure what was going on behind my Spiderman’s mask) I sincerely hope they didn’t suspect the truth…. I am not ready to come out of the closet just yet!
The hall was filling up and the crowd was getting excited by the minute. The poet had pre-paid for 10,000 of the 12,000 available tickets. The whole of Makueni and Machakos were here. I could hear them singing the Poets theme song (which had been suggested by one of my supporters who has defected) Queens ‘Another One Bites the Dust’. My two Matatu loads of jamaas from Kieni and Mathare were drowned and our MJs ‘Beat It’ entrance song began sounding like a cell phone ring tone in a live concert. I had completely underestimated the Kikuyu side of the Blue Poet. He had money and lots of it at that. Free muthokoi and drinks for his supporters.Kipepeo,Farmgal,Luna and all the beautiful girls looked lovely jumping up and down- pom poms swinging in the air. I even heard that my aunties and all the girls that had stood firmly behind me in the past were now giggling like little girls. The Mutisos, Musyokas and Mathekas had them eating Muthokoi from their hands!!!
Dr. Wangaru, The Kukekamba combination is awesome.
I was the first to step into the arena and I was hot under the mask, my ribs were already aching with the anticipation of being punished by Blues hands. My rackety legs were knocking and I couldn’t stand properly. I saw blue behind me and the crowd went bananas as he made his entrance… I couldn’t take it any longer and I knew I was just wasting time… I ran back to the dressing room knocking into Blues ring men. What would all those girls think of me now. How was I going to repay the Nyeri Chapter the money they had advanced me to bribe the judges, referee and the radio presenters? This is the reason I am writing this letter to you, sir in the hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive this son of Kieni and to write off the 2 million.
I wrote to Papa Smurf asking for his understanding and he has agreed to call off the battery of lawyers he had engaged to sue me for defamation. I am having second thoughts about this man- he has graciously accepted my apologies. He even offered to take care of Wifey, Mistress and my concubine. That man has an enormous heart. I actually regret engaging in a war I now know I was bound to lose… but I am learning. This is one lesson I will always thank Papa Smurf for. I salute his age, wisdom and pray that I grow up to be like him.
Enclosed please find sections of my last will and testament should the mob decide that I should should end up in River Chania.
I, Nicholas Gichu, of Kieni Village,Nyeri District, declare this to be my Will and hereby revoke any Will or Codicil I may have made.
Marriage and Children
At the time of the execution of this Will, I am married to Wifey, and have the following children from said marriage:
As used in this Will, the term "spouse" refers to my wifey.
Payment of Debts
I hereby direct my Personal Representative(Milonare) to pay all expenses of my last illness and funeral expenses.
Specific Bequests of Tangible Personal Property
I will, give and bequeath unto the persons named below, if he or she survives me, the following described tangible personal property:
Wifey: 1/16th acre plot in Kieni(marriage was never consummated)
Milonare: Spiderman underwear( Hardly used worn 7 days and washed only once.) re: Guess
Aunt Mshairi: My collection of books and movies
Msanii_xl: Sugar cane patch at the banks Nairobi of Nairobi River
In the event I name a person in this Article and said person predeceased me, the said property shall pass under the other provisions of this Will.
I, Nicholas Gichu, having signed this Will in the presence of Kamau Kiratu and Wangu Kimani who attested it at my request on this the 14 day of August,2005 at White Rhino Hotel Nyeri.