Monday

Nick the Chick(en)


Hon. Dr. Muru Wangaru
The Grand Master (Nyeri Chapter)
Rware Towers
Nyeri Town


Dear Sir,

Firstly may I extend my sympathies on your recent banning from traveling to the U.K. I hope your secret meeting with Robert from Zimbabwe went well. As you are well aware we shall always stick by you as our Member of Parliament and also Grand Master. I hope that the meeting was fruitful and a common approach to dealing with Tony Brair has been reached.

I am writing this letter to explain the circumstances that forced me to abandon the boxing match between The Blue Poet and myself. I do recall our meeting in Nyeri where you we partook in Muratina at the sacred Mugumo tree. I heeded your advice and bribed the radio and TV announcers. They did an excellent job and followed our script to the letter. I also planted the rumours about Papa Smurf talking about lice in Kipepeos hair and buying diapers from Farmgals new shop. This was not well taken and these beautiful young girls are still sitting on the fence but are leaning more towards supporting Papa Smurf. I have no idea what kamuti the mkamba has used- but it is effective.

It all started in the changing room. I had never seen Papa Smurf before and when I did I was speechless. His 6ft 2 inches solid frame made me at 5’1” feel like a midget. As I sized the man from his feet upwards I started getting that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. His legs were firm and toned and as he walked in (like in slow motion) I could see the thigh muscles tensing with each step. His stomach was not lined with muscle but he didn’t have a pot either. His body had all the hallmarks of one who worked out at least three times a week at a good gym. A far cry from the cement filled Kimbo tins I use in my back yard. His chest and arms were well filled and I couldn’t imagine why I had chosen to fight this man. I looked down at my crotch, my spider briefs looked they contained a couple of marbles and a stick of Wrigley’s gum. Pangs of jealousy ate into me as sneaked a look at his briefs.. Man the guy looked he did some weight training in that area too! His briefs were filled by what might just as well have been oranges and I could see the outline the size of a Ugandan plantain. Three beautiful Kamba girls were oiling his whole body and as he turned round I saw his firm buttocks… at this point I was both envious and scared. My trainers started giving me puzzling glances( they weren’t sure what was going on behind my Spiderman’s mask) I sincerely hope they didn’t suspect the truth…. I am not ready to come out of the closet just yet!

The hall was filling up and the crowd was getting excited by the minute. The poet had pre-paid for 10,000 of the 12,000 available tickets. The whole of Makueni and Machakos were here. I could hear them singing the Poets theme song (which had been suggested by one of my supporters who has defected) Queens ‘Another One Bites the Dust’. My two Matatu loads of jamaas from Kieni and Mathare were drowned and our MJs ‘Beat It’ entrance song began sounding like a cell phone ring tone in a live concert. I had completely underestimated the Kikuyu side of the Blue Poet. He had money and lots of it at that. Free muthokoi and drinks for his supporters.Kipepeo,Farmgal,Luna and all the beautiful girls looked lovely jumping up and down- pom poms swinging in the air. I even heard that my aunties and all the girls that had stood firmly behind me in the past were now giggling like little girls. The Mutisos, Musyokas and Mathekas had them eating Muthokoi from their hands!!!
Dr. Wangaru, The Kukekamba combination is awesome.

I was the first to step into the arena and I was hot under the mask, my ribs were already aching with the anticipation of being punished by Blues hands. My rackety legs were knocking and I couldn’t stand properly. I saw blue behind me and the crowd went bananas as he made his entrance… I couldn’t take it any longer and I knew I was just wasting time… I ran back to the dressing room knocking into Blues ring men. What would all those girls think of me now. How was I going to repay the Nyeri Chapter the money they had advanced me to bribe the judges, referee and the radio presenters? This is the reason I am writing this letter to you, sir in the hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive this son of Kieni and to write off the 2 million.

I wrote to Papa Smurf asking for his understanding and he has agreed to call off the battery of lawyers he had engaged to sue me for defamation. I am having second thoughts about this man- he has graciously accepted my apologies. He even offered to take care of Wifey, Mistress and my concubine. That man has an enormous heart. I actually regret engaging in a war I now know I was bound to lose… but I am learning. This is one lesson I will always thank Papa Smurf for. I salute his age, wisdom and pray that I grow up to be like him.


Yours
Nick


Enclosed please find sections of my last will and testament should the mob decide that I should should end up in River Chania.

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT
OF
Nicholas Gichu





I, Nicholas Gichu, of Kieni Village,Nyeri District, declare this to be my Will and hereby revoke any Will or Codicil I may have made.
ARTICLE ONE


Marriage and Children
At the time of the execution of this Will, I am married to Wifey, and have the following children from said marriage:
NIL

As used in this Will, the term "spouse" refers to my wifey.
ARTICLE TWO


Payment of Debts

I hereby direct my Personal Representative(Milonare) to pay all expenses of my last illness and funeral expenses.

ARTICLE THREE


Specific Bequests of Tangible Personal Property
I will, give and bequeath unto the persons named below, if he or she survives me, the following described tangible personal property:


Wifey: 1/16th acre plot in Kieni(marriage was never consummated)
Milonare: Spiderman underwear( Hardly used worn 7 days and washed only once.) re: Guess
Aunt Mshairi: My collection of books and movies
Msanii_xl: Sugar cane patch at the banks Nairobi of Nairobi River

In the event I name a person in this Article and said person predeceased me, the said property shall pass under the other provisions of this Will.

I, Nicholas Gichu, having signed this Will in the presence of Kamau Kiratu and Wangu Kimani who attested it at my request on this the 14 day of August,2005 at White Rhino Hotel Nyeri.

Nicholas Gichu

14 comments:

Milonare said...

I'm glad I'm the first one here!!!

Oh no you didn’t!! Bequeathing me dirty ma-nguos, cobwebs and all! And I was just a bystander applauding weapons of blogostrophic destruction being exchanged between parties? Sawa my guy, sawa…

I can see blue poems have been recited to finish me – during the munching of mashed mbuzi choma using old diapers as serviettes and walking sticks as toothpicks (given the gaps between the three teeth…)

Hear ye, hear ye – we ain’t heard the last of this!!!

Jay said...

Auuuuuuuiiiiiiiiii am I glad I'm well out of this one!!

And those photos, LMAO!! Well in Blue well in!

Altho I must ask, why are you discriminating against non-Kamba women?? I can do a mean body oiling!!!

wanduma said...

Too funny! Wow, I had to do some catching up on the exchange on both blogs, and damn its really on!
Very entertaining!

nick said...

1.Oh no you just didn call LEQUITA a RADIO presenter-ngai-wacha she reads that comment!
2.Firm buttocks...who are you kidding they look like a slab of meat that has suffered an AXE wound....and we know that has to be flubber cause fat doesnt distribute that way.
3.You took my MJ joke on akieys(hi akiey) and made it yours...blue blue blue what did we say about taking your memroy medicine?!
4.am gettin some vibe here but if am n wrong are you hittin on me indirectly!!! Sema tu....was this a ruse to get close to me??? Do u see me as a pretty YOUNG thing? Do u want my marbles and wrigleys gum-cause that there is more than a metaphor comin from you!

Pysco-analysis confirms that this is a typical case of transferrence!!!
my oh my this sure has taken an interesting twist!

Blue Poet said...

I will say this once and once only.
Talk about Memory Loss Nick! That was your letter I posted- I used my contacts in the Nyeri Mob to get me a photocopy- all I did was put in the public domain!!
Grow up- own your sh*t! Dont go denying- you were sizing up my rear end in that changing room: you described me and yourself in perfect detail in your letter- see me complaining?

I know you are losing it but please consider the comment I made on your post. Sorry about the MJ picture but it does suit you!!! You crawling oy of the toilet bowl is funny too!! Those are my only additions and I have copies to prove it.

LOSER!

Guessaurus said...

"My rackety legs were knocking and I couldn’t stand properly" - LMAO

Oh Nick, I'm cross I havent been left anything in your will, I will consider switching camps now...Blue, you recruiting some nice sexy Mistresses for your camp?

'walking sticks as toothpicks' - Milo, you are asking for it!

Msanii_XL said...

lmao...hilarity. mbrue you have struck the first blow but i know my boy nick will not take this lying down. you have never met a person more blogreachous and effective behold a prodigy of sun tzu...*whispering* Nicko you had better prove me right my Loyalty is not infinte you know *whispering*

You must be green with envy of the patch.

Poi said...

Hhahhaahaa! Blue Poet, I think am only but beginning this long, journey of my blood-line, I must say its coming on well with what I only but dreamt to relate with if ever I traced my blood-heritage!

That was a neat piece! Gich-boy made his confessions, I smelt it, money had been poured huh? Just, loving this battle.

Nick, what't the deal?? Your concubine and Mistress are not part of the will??

Farmgal said...

heheheh (laughing out loud) is that spidey getting flashed down the toilet?
with the way you work out I want to replace one of your kamba chics papa smmurf.
sasa nick you have to sort probiz with you concubine and mistress and then deal with this! kiyana wewe uko na shinda!!!!!!!

blue to win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KymmBr. said...

ca'mon guys....be sincere to yu'r inner cores!! Does anybody believe this piece? And to yu all i say.....hii ni fake!!
doesn't measure up!
So Nick, tuendelee! KGB in the hauz. And the first round goes to....

Mshairi said...

I have been keeping count: the score is one even. See, I am being fair to you Blue Poet even when I know my nephew will win this one:)

kipepeo said...

considering, i named papa smurf papa smurf coz i really think he's cool...(i sincerely hope those lice rumours were just mere propaganda attempts not from you) and that nickyboo comes from the same nyeri slopes as my mother...i'm stuck in a rut I dont know who to chose! But i love the will! I'm really enjoying this war!! my pom poms are out! let the fight go on1!! hihi..evil little laughter.

Shiroh said...

Now Blue , you don't imagine the Spidey will not leave the concubine anything . LOL

Luna said...

this just gets better!hahahahaha!

---> Spiderman underwear( Hardly used worn 7 days and washed only once.)" hahahha...enyewe pole Milo...

i fear im starting to take sides...
may the best man(*wink at mBlue) win!